An Upgrade in Awareness.

In my last two posts, I mentioned the value of not knowing.  I've been playing with that one a lot in the last few weeks.  And while I believe the essence of it is correct, that knowing (specifically, the knowing of the mind, not the awareness of the Self...) places limits on possibility, the phrasing has been itching for an upgrade.  Mostly because describing what something isn't is actually not describing it at all.

So, I've been exploring other options.  How do I say what I'm doing, instead of what I'm not doing?  If I'm practicing being receptive, staying out of the way, co-creating with the Universe instead of trying to do it alone- what is that?  I didn't have an answer, aside from the sentence above.  I sought something succinct.

Then, in the wave of joyful little gifts that came my way at the beginning of February, I got some help.  I signed up for a series of webinars that focus on manifestation and clearing resistance.  And I found Rikka Zimmerman.  She delights me!  She has great clarity and great compassion.

She talks about the principles of Access Consciousness.  And it resonates with all of the truths that have been emerging from within me, only it's more developed and more refined from years of sharing and feedback.  One such principle is that conclusions close the door to possibility and questions make room.  Sound familiar?  It sure did to me!

She offers the idea of being in the question.  What if the universe has infinite resources and awareness?  What if the Universe is infinite resources and awareness?  That's the best ally I can imagine!  And what if the only thing between me and my most delightful outcomes is, well, me?

It's a nine year for me.  (Not changing topics, just adding a thread...)  Nine is all about finishing things, letting go and making room for the next cycle.  I'm letting go of whatever doesn't work for me.  I'm making room for the Universe to be as generous to me as I have been with everyone but myself.  Especially, I'm letting go of putting myself last.  I'm the only one I will spend the entire rest of my life with...  Right?

And to go where I'm going, which is a life that totally delights and nourishes me, I'm going to be in the question.  I wonder what will happen?

Resilient Confidence

I find being human a fascinating practice in surprises.  Today is a great example.  I woke up with a migraine.  I get one every month or two.  Usually at the intersection of dehydrated and stressed out.  LOL

I have, in the past, increased my suffering by anguishing over the lost time, listing all the things that won't get done that day, resisting my state of health or illness in general.  Today I managed to dodge all those follies.  Instead, I checked in with Zander, made sure he had what he needed for his morning, then I went back to sleep.  Drifted in between snoozing and meditative contemplation, actually.

And when I woke again, it was noon and I felt much better.  That was my first surprise.

Then I reminded Zander that we had a great opportunity for social time at a weekly park gathering for home school children.  As much as Zander is often happy to spend time alone with his projects, his social interaction battery runs out pretty readily, so it's in our best interests to keep him visiting other kids.  Only, in this case, that involved driving on a hazy bright afternoon.  And just walking from the house to the truck was a piercing reminder that the headache was only on break, not gone home.

Some thoughts crossed my mind, of skipping the drive and the park.  Of calling someone to get Zander to his father this afternoon.  But after a queasy moment or two, I knew I wanted the time with him.  Our end of the week travel time is also our check in for the weekend and plans for next week time.  So I drove.  The sunglasses helped.

On the way, he played one of his handheld games, trying three times to beat the bug type gym in his latest Pokemon game.  And managing only to generate a lot of frustration.  His team was underprepared, but he didn't want to do the work to get them ready.  And he's usually the sort to be right on the money about what his group of critters can handle.  Now this sort of situation, where I know he has the resources to solve the problem but isn't using them, often results in me becoming cranky and impatient.

But this time I just felt compassion.  That was my second surprise.

I offered to level up some of his pokemon while he played.  His turn to be surprised.  LOL  He replied, "Do you really want to do that?"  I said yes.  Not that I have any great desire to play on his DS or to learn more about capturing pokemon than I need to stay current with his reality.  But I do have a desire for his happiness, and it seemed a simple enough task to get his team some basic upgrades.  Besides, I already had plans to mostly sit during our park excursion.

So he played with his friends, and I got the team ready for their battle.  And I had a lot of fun, which surprised me.  And I got sufficiently distracted from my discomfort to ignore it completely, which surprised me.  And he beat the gym battle on his first try with his upgraded team.  All happy results.

Now, I'm home again.  Some cleaning to do, some organizing, some things to sell on Craigslist.  My head still hurts.  It doesn't really bother me, though.  It's just a status report my nervous system keeps updating.  It'll probably be gone tomorrow morning.  And then I can explore new surprises.

I feel more comfortable with the not knowing, today.  My confidence in the good will of the Universe is returning.

Not Knowing

A few days ago, I felt completely buoyant, in large part because I could feel the interconnectedness of the Universe, and I had a clear understanding that I couldn't possibly know what would happen next.  What a difference a few days can make!  Today, I feel isolated, again.  And the not knowing is still here, but now it feels scary.

I can tell it's an ego game.  Not that the awareness helps me find my way out of the maze I've constructed.  I'm trying to control something.  Everything, maybe.  Of course I can't control anything.  I know that, and sometimes I can even choose my path without a need for control.  Safety just looks so tempting, every now and then!  And it's a long time since I've had that handy.

The words on my car are an example.  Most of us, I believe, consider our cars a sort of private haven.  Not me, now.  Every week, at least, sometimes more than once or even several times in a single day, someone speaks with me because I've written encouragement on my car.  "Love your life."  "Live your love."  When I went to New Mexico, one man even asked me if I was ever scared of what might happen.  What an interesting perspective!

I can imagine the possibility that someone disturbed might take exception to such cheery advice.  My experience, though, at least so far, is that anyone who will bother commenting has something nice to say.  Some say that it brings them a smile every time they see it.  Other's just say it's nice to see, or thank me for writing it.  One fellow came back to speak to me a second time, telling me that it made him want to cry.  I didn't pry for specifics, but it looked like he was experiencing gratitude.

It might be safer to just drive my anonymous black Ford Explorer.  I could scrape the scarlet edge of a yellow light without being so readily identified.  I could lose my vehicle in the parking lot at HEB.  LOL  And I happily trade the increased visibility for the increased self expression and accountability.  I don't have any idea what will come of driving around with permanent cursive encouragement.  I find I can trust that it's mostly good.

So, while I find the lack of safety unnerving, today, I think I'll look to my art car for the unwritten encouragement.  Letting the unknown in can bring unexpected goodness.

A Week to Remember

So I haven't posted for a week.  Two reasons for that-  First, the moon is in decline, and I find that I often have less outward expression then, and more expression as the moon waxes toward fullness.  Second, it's been an amazing week!  I've been so busy living that I've hardly taken any time to reflect, let alone share my insights.

My older son, Robert, is a math and computer genius.  No motherly exaggeration, either.  He took the SAT at 14, just to see how he would do.  I bought him a study book, which he dutifully ignored.  Took the test cold and aced the math, got a 720 on the English.  Went to college at 15.  Got a six digit job at 21.  Oh, man.  He's unstoppable!  (I'm proud, but I can hardly take any credit.  All I did is drive and write the right letters.)

So he has been looking for a certain kind of work, and he found it.  I knew he would.  He's like me in at least one way- he always achieves what he sets out to accomplish.  But far from seeing him disappear into the global programming culture, I got a totally different result.  He's moved back to Austin!  Now he can pursue his success and I get to see him, too!  And Zander, little brother, gets to share pestering time.

So, in the last week, I've helped Robert get an apartment.  (Mostly driving, again.  LOL)  I managed to avoid worrying, almost, as he and his friend Adam drove from California to Texas over the weekend.  Then on Sunday and Monday, we did some epic furniture shopping to get him not quite settled before he started work on Tuesday.  Yesterday, Zander and I rested.  We had earned it by surviving our trip to IKEA.

So I share with you my gratitude for family, and my delight for a Universe that understands when moms aren't quite ready to see their firstborn sail away into the sunset.

Sources of Inspiration

I love the internet.  It serves so many purposes.  Today, it offered me inspiration.

First, I got to visit with family and show them this amazing video of Jeb Corliss.  He's a maniac after my own heart.  I love freefall!  Woot!  Human's have dreamed of flight forever, and I think it's because we remember the times between lives.  This guy takes his cue from flying squirrels and chases the exponential edge of possibility.

Then I hopped over to Astronomy Picture of the Day, NASA's daily photo of the local and not so local Universe.  So extraordinary.  We're still learning so much about the sky, our greater context.  I love this nebula, and this composite image of M31, aka the Andromeda Galaxy.

Fuel for the spirit, like visits with family.  Fuel for the imagination.  We each tell our own story, and we shape it with our ideas of what's possible.  I like to get the high octane stuff, for sure.

Peace

Gluten Free Peanut Butter Cookies

1/2 cup Butter
1/2 cup Peanut Butter
1/2 cup packed Brown Sugar
1/3 cup Honey
1 Egg
1/4 tsp Vanilla
1/4 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1 1/4 cup gluten free Flour
(I use about one third each of Oat, Tapioca, and Sorghum)
Optional- 1/2 cup Chocolate Chips

Preheat oven to 350 F
Cream the two butters together, then add the sugar and honey and mix well.
Beat in the egg and vanilla.
In a separate container, mix all the dry ingredients.
Add in two or three batches to the wet ingredients.
Fold in the chocolate chips.

For traditional criss cross style cookies, chill the dough for an hour.
(Not really workable if you have the chocolate chips in, so for those use the drop method below.)
Roll dough into little balls, about an inch in diameter.
Roll each ball in granulated sugar and squish with the flat bottom of a glass until they are about 1/2 inch thick.
Using a long tined fork, press first one direction, then perpendicular.
Bake for 10 to 12 minutes.  Cool slightly before removing from pan.

With chocolate chips, or if you're in a hurry to get to the taste testing, just spoon out blobs with a teaspoon and bake for 8 to 10 minutes as soon as all the stuff is mixed.

Important note- All cookies taste better when shared.

Sometimes, you eat the best food for your body.  Sometimes you eat the best food for your soul.

You choose the balance.

Playful Co-Creation

What if the Universe, Spirit, God, or whatever you choose to call a higher power is actually not a warm generous parental type?  What if, instead, it's more like a jaunty best friend who loves you so much and can't wait until tomorrow when the two of you get to play again?

I've been getting closer to living in my power.  Which, ironically, takes a lot of humility.  Anytime I think I Know, assuming I can catch myself at it, then I'm pretty sure the Ego has taken control of the vehicle again, and it's time for a cosmic fire drill.  Red Light!  Everyone out!  It's time to switch seats!

Staying in the not knowing is tough.  It takes some willingness to trust.  It takes some courage to give up plans and schemes.  It's potent, though.  The Unknown is so much bigger than the Known.  The Conscious mind has less than a thousandth of the computing power of the Unconscious.  And who knows what measure we might find in the superconscious.  And there's magic in the Invisible- in the ineffable spaces between what we see and what we imagine, like the dark matter of possibility.

I went to buy yarn for my hair.  (I'll post a photo tomorrow...)  On a lark, I wore a nice outfit.  I simply felt like being fabulous out in the world.  Then, having successfully completed my trip, I realized that I was in South Austin with free time.  I called the first person that came to mind, and she was delighted to hear from me, hoping I'd come to her party.  Which I did, and met some lovely people.

If I had stayed in the known, I would have missed all that.  I would have come home, cleaned house, hung drapes- followed the plan.  And my intuition brought me a totally different result, because I was willing to set my planning aside and just listen.  And that's such an important part of co-creation.

You can't just do it alone!  There are two of you, right?  The you who is reading this, and the You who already knows all of it, and lovingly empowers the first one.  Trying to do it with just one of you will be far more tiring, I promise.  So cultivate that partnership.

I love hanging out with the Universe.  She's my best friend.  She loves you too, and She has plenty of time to share.  Tell her your secrets (and stop being so bossy,) and you'll find that she makes a great play date.