Not Knowing

A few days ago, I felt completely buoyant, in large part because I could feel the interconnectedness of the Universe, and I had a clear understanding that I couldn't possibly know what would happen next.  What a difference a few days can make!  Today, I feel isolated, again.  And the not knowing is still here, but now it feels scary.

I can tell it's an ego game.  Not that the awareness helps me find my way out of the maze I've constructed.  I'm trying to control something.  Everything, maybe.  Of course I can't control anything.  I know that, and sometimes I can even choose my path without a need for control.  Safety just looks so tempting, every now and then!  And it's a long time since I've had that handy.

The words on my car are an example.  Most of us, I believe, consider our cars a sort of private haven.  Not me, now.  Every week, at least, sometimes more than once or even several times in a single day, someone speaks with me because I've written encouragement on my car.  "Love your life."  "Live your love."  When I went to New Mexico, one man even asked me if I was ever scared of what might happen.  What an interesting perspective!

I can imagine the possibility that someone disturbed might take exception to such cheery advice.  My experience, though, at least so far, is that anyone who will bother commenting has something nice to say.  Some say that it brings them a smile every time they see it.  Other's just say it's nice to see, or thank me for writing it.  One fellow came back to speak to me a second time, telling me that it made him want to cry.  I didn't pry for specifics, but it looked like he was experiencing gratitude.

It might be safer to just drive my anonymous black Ford Explorer.  I could scrape the scarlet edge of a yellow light without being so readily identified.  I could lose my vehicle in the parking lot at HEB.  LOL  And I happily trade the increased visibility for the increased self expression and accountability.  I don't have any idea what will come of driving around with permanent cursive encouragement.  I find I can trust that it's mostly good.

So, while I find the lack of safety unnerving, today, I think I'll look to my art car for the unwritten encouragement.  Letting the unknown in can bring unexpected goodness.